


Story of Tonight [ON HOLD]

by TellMyLegacy



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander and Aaron are like brothers, Angsty at times, Based on TFIOS, Better than it sounds, Focused on Aaron's relationship with Alexander, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Not as chessy, Prepare for a roller coaster of emotions, The Author Regrets Nothing, Who am I kidding? It's chessy, and also Lams, cancer au, except I do
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-08-22 21:06:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8301047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TellMyLegacy/pseuds/TellMyLegacy
Summary: Alexander Hamilton had always know that he was going to die young, it was only a matter of when. By now, he imagined death so much that it felt more like a memory. He just wants to give up now. He wants to stop trying.But he's still fighting because of Aaron, the only brother he has ever known, the only person who has never left him.It's also a bonus when John Laurens walks into his life.(The AU based on the Fault In Our Stars by John Green. Different, though.)





	1. Prologue

Alexander Hamilton had always know that he was going to die young, it was only a matter of when.

After surviving a fatal disease, becoming an orphan, witnessing a destructive hurricane, and facing the challenges of arriving to America with nothing but an unpolished brain and the wits to accomplish something, Alexander was acquainted with all kinds of terrible pain.

Now, however, at 17, Alexander _knew_ that he wouldn’t live to see his 18th birthday.

When he was 15, a horrible hurricane destroyed St. Croix, his town. Chaos surrounded him, destruction embraced him, and yet, he couldn’t seem to die. The very same year was when the town set their eyes on him, and booked a passage to the land of the free. The very same year, just after settling into Columbia two years early, with a full ride, he had been diagnosed with a terminal form of thyroid cancer.

By now, he imagined death so much that it felt more like a memory.

Now, it was exactly 10:37 P.M. on a Tuesday night, and Alex was feeling more depressed than the ordinary. Most of the time, writing was his only escape, and sometimes even then, creating endless of heavens out of mere paragraphs was simply not enough.

So, ten minutes later, armed with a gigantic hoodie and a pair of snow boots, Alex decided to take a small trip to his favorite place in his home. The swings.

After adjusting his breathing tubes, Alex hauled his oxygen tank through the soft carpet of his room, and set his way onto the gardens of the Washington household.

George and Martha Washington were not his biological parents, that much was a fact. However, they adopted Alex after he was diagnosed with this bitchy disease, so the least that Alex could do to repay them was make them proud. That is, until he died.

Pursuing his dream had come rather fast for Alex, seeing how the tuition for his dream career had been completely paid by his hometown. Everyday, he had given it his best. He had joined the campus debate team, he worked for the College Newspaper, he simply took advantage of everything presented to him.

Then everything went downhill after he received the damned paper with those damned words. Positive.

Of course, that was not the end of his life. Thyroid cancer is actually very easy to control, but when the analysis was actually examined thoroughly, the doctors saw that the cancer had spread to his lungs.

He still remained in school  for a couple more months, but then Alex grew more and more tired, and he had to go to the hospital more frequently for his therapy. Eventually, the Washington’s found him, and he retired from his dream.

And now, he found himself slowly swaying on the rickety swings while watching the stars with melancholy in his eyes.

Those same eyes that had once held an eternal flame. Those same eyes that often times rendered people speechless as they saw this scrawny, short immigrant spewing passionate verses about everything.

Those same eyes that were now dimmed with hopelessness, and tiredly stared at the stars. Alexander sighed, and thought, “how much longer do I have to wait?”

The stars simply winked. It was not enough.

 

* * *

  


The Washington’s had signed him up for a therapy group. A _therapy group._

“What?” He asked calmly, his peaceful demeanor betrayed by the fire burning in his eyes. “ _Why_ would you do that?”

“Honey,” Martha gently said, gripping his hand from where it laid across the table, “We don’t want you to just stay in the holed up in the house all day. We want you to have a normal life. As normal as it can get.”

“But, a therapy group?” He whined, and George simply laughed loudly. He glared at him, and his adoptive father merely laughed louder. They were both clearly enjoying his misery. “If it’s from a church, forget it. I’m not going there so God can cleanse my evil soul.”

“Alex,” Martha tried to hold in her laughter, “If you don’t like it, we can’t make you keep going. We just want you to explore.”

He raised his eyebrows. They stared at him. “Fine.”


	2. Therapy Session 1: Brothers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First Therapy Session. Disaster or success? For Alex, it meant both.

He wanted to say that he absolutely hated every second of the therapy, but that would be a lie.

Martha had dropped him off in front of the building, saying, “Honey, lighten up! Smile more!” 

He simply resorted for glaring at her, to which she laughed merrily as he struggled to haul his oxygen tank out of the car. “You sound just like Burr.”

Aaron Burr was Alexander’s- 

_What was Aaron Burr to him?_ They were definitely more than just acquaintances, and the term best friend didn’t really seem to fit him. They were more like, brothers, in a strange way.

Aaron was the first person that Alexander ever met in America, and since then, their paths have always crossed. They had opposing stances on almost everything, or in Burr’s case, no stance at all. But still, after Alexander gathered the courage to tell Aaron about his cancer, Aaron had awkwardly gathered a crying Alexander in his arms, and he hadn’t left. That’s the thing, Aaron didn’t leave.

And sure, they argue a lot of times, and teased each other a lot of other times, but he was still the brother that Alexander never had (which he did have a brother, but he left Alex when he was merely thirteen.)

Which is why he had asked Aaron to accompany him to this therapy group, and after slight convincing, he agreed. The information pamphlet had said that Alexander could bring companions, and he certainly did not want to bring Martha or George. And so now, Alex waited for Burr to come and help him survive through this stupid idea.

He didn’t have to wait much longer (and thank god since Burr was the better one at waiting) and soon enough, Aaron pulled up on his car, and walked towards Alexander.

“Finally! I’ve been waiting for ages!” Alexander exclaimed, walking briskly towards the entrance, his oxygen tank trailing behind him. Aaron raised his eyebrows behind him as he catched up to Alex.

“Ages or two minutes? I just saw Martha pulling out of the parking lot.”

“Doesn’t matter.” Alex interrupted him, and an amused smile appeared on Aaron’s face. Alex saw it, and grumbled, “let’s just go.”

The pair walked together in silence, which was entirely uncommon, since Alexander never shut up. This immediately showed Aaron just how nervous Alexander must be feeling.

He placed his hand on Alexander’s shoulder, feeling it tense beneath him before relaxing slowly, “Hey, if you don’t like it, you don’t have to come again. Plus, I’m sure they’re gonna kick you out before the talk actually begins.”

“Thanks Burr.” Alexander mumbled grouchy, but Aaron saw the true emotion hidden in Alexander’s eyes.

Before entering the door labeled “Cancer Therapy: Access to everyone,” Aaron said one last thing, “Remember, talk less, smile more.”

Alexander glared at Aaron one last time, and pushed open the doors  


* * *

The first thing both of them noticed was the incredibly cringey poster hanging on the ceiling that read, “Cancer for you is cancer for all of us. We can do this together!”

Alexander shared a disgusted look with Aaron, and even the latter had to admit that it wasn’t the best welcome to the group.

“Howdy!” An energetic girl in a purple dress said to them as everyone turned around, “Welcome to our therapy group. My name is Catherine, we were just about to begin.”

Aaron smiled smoothly at Catherine, and looked over at Alexander to see him just staring blankly at the girl. Aaron hit Alexander gently in the ribs, forcing him to smile at Catherine.

“Come guys, don’t be scared! Have a sit,” She ushered them both to plastic chairs that formed a circle, where other people already sat.

The first person that Alexander noticed was a man with bouncy curls who spoke vivid french to the person sitting next to him, a short girl whose smile showed all of her teeth and who, for some reason, made him think of Aaron.

He nudged said person, who was also scanning the room, and lightly cocked his head towards the girl. Alex grinned as Aaron gasped silently, staring at the girl with wide eyes.

He really did love playing matchmaker.

Alex left Aaron to his silent pinning, and began looking at the other people.

There were three girls huddled together, whispering and giggling. Alexander smiled softly as he noticed the smallest girl who almost had no hair left, and what looks like her sisters, who also had shaved heads.

In Alexander’s case, he always had long, inky hair. When he began the chemotherapy, he lost most of his hair, too. But that was over a year ago, and now, he no longer has chemotherapy, and has begun growing his locks once again.

Catherine began speaking, “welcome all to our first meeting for Cancer support. Let’s start with our names. As you may already know, my name is Catherine, and I have officially been cancer free for the last two years. Does anyone want to go first?”

The small girl who sat with her sisters violently raised her hand in the air, a bright grin on her face. Catherine nodded encouragingly, “Hi! My name is Peggy Schuyler, and these are my sisters, Angelica and Eliza. I just finished my last session of chemo for leukemia, and I am getting better.”

She finished by letting out a small laugh, and her sisters hugged her as she smiled brightly at everyone. Alexander unconsciously smiled back, helpless to this girl’s happiness.

“That’s amazing, Peggy!” Catherine said, smiling. “Anyone else?”

The man with the curls opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by the door swinging open, and a rather big man walking into the room, sweat sheen on his forehead.

“Sorry,” he mumbled as he walked towards the French guy, and sat down next to him.

The french man smiled at the man, and began his introduction again, “Bonjour, my name is Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette, and you may call me Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette.”

Everyone laughed at that, and the French man grinned, “All games. You may call me Lafayette. This is my friend, Theodosia-”

Alexander nudged Aaron again, and the poor guy was overcome with giddiness as he watched Theodosia smile to everyone. Alexander gave Aaron a teasing look, and Aaron blushed slightly, glaring at him. Alex just grinned. Lafayette continued, “and this is my other dear friend, Hercules.”

The bulky guy waved at everyone, and Lafayette continued, “I have the beginning of a slight tumor, but I am already on, how you say, treatment.”

Catherine nodded her head, the smile never faltering, “who’s next?”

By now, it was just Alexander left. He looked at Aaron, who nodded encouragingly, finally looking away from Theodosia, and he began, “My name is Alexander, but you can call me Alex. This is my friend, Aaron. I, um, finished my therapy about a year ago, and I have terminal thyroid cancer.”

Everyone was staring at him, and he met the eyes of each and every single person in the room. Aaron placed a comforting hand of his shoulder, and Catherine’s smile wavered slightly, “I’m sure that you can pull through this one, Alex. We’re all here to help you.”

Alexander smiled tightly, “thank you.”

Catherine clapped her hands, “well, now that introductions are over, let’s begin by getting to know each other. Let’s begin with fears. What’s your greatest fear? Mine is that one day, my cancer will come back, and maybe I won’t be able to win this time. Who want’s to go next?”

Surprisingly, Alexander was the first to speak, “I am terrified of not leaving a legacy behind. I started at Columbia last year, but I had to drop off because my cancer was getting so bad. Now, though, I am terrified of dying and not leaving anything permanent in this world.”

“Thank you for sharing, Alex,” Catherine said, pursing her lips slight, she looked around.

“If I may,” one of the sisters, Eliza, interrupted, looking straight into Alex’s eyes. Her dark eyes drew shivers to his spine, “Look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now. I can’t pretend to know the challenges you’re facing, but what matters today is that you enjoy your life. Don’t care about what the world thinks, just be satisfied with the minutes you have today, and that would be enough.”

Alexander looked at her, simply looked at her. She was beautiful, she truly was. Dark eyes, dark hair, fair skin, wise eyes. He whispered, “I will never be satisfied.”

She smiled, a knowing look crossing her eyes as she glanced at her older sister, who was staring at Alexander. He cleared his throat, and said louder, “thank you.”

“My turn,” Peggy chipped in, throwing smiles all around the room, “My greatest fear, as cheesy as it might sound, is losing my sisters. They have always been there for me, and I just, I don’t know what I’ll do without them.”

The two older sisters hugged the younger even more, whispering sweets into her ears, things that made her eyes sparkle and giggles escape her mouth. They warmed Alexander’s heart.

“I don’t know if I should share, but I want to give it a try.” One of Lafayette’s friends, Hercules, said, and after receiving smiles, he began, “I was never really scared of much until Laf came home one day, and showed me the test results that said he had a brain tumor. That was the moment in my life where I felt truly terrified. I cannot even begin to think about how Laf must have felt. So, I guess, I just want to say that I applaud all of you here, who are fighting this bitchy battle, because while sometimes it might not seem like it, you guys are winning simply by getting out of bed and going out in the world. So, um, yeah. Thank you.”

They all stared at Hercules, and surprisingly, Aaron was the first to clap. Alexander, and everyone else soon joined, and Hercules blushed as Lafayette kissed both of his cheeks. “Merci, mon cher.”

That just made him blush even more. They soon calmed down, and Aaron surprised Alexander even more by raising his hand to share.

“I met Alexander over three years ago, and since then, he has become like an annoying little brother to me.” There were light chuckles around the room, and Alexander glared at Aaron, but still wore a smile on his face. Aaron continued, “When he told me about his cancer, I didn’t know what to do. He was always so strong, full of fire, always speaking his mind. So when he told me that he was going to start chemotherapy, I felt _lost_ , scared. And then, months later, he told me that the therapy wasn’t working, and his cancer was now terminal.”

He began to speak directly at Alex, who had his eyes closed, looking at the floor. Aaron breathed slowly as he tried to control his breathing, “And now, every time I see you, you’re just so tired, and every single day, I’m terrified that you’ll come knocking on my door and tell me that you’ve already given up. And, I’m just so scared because you’re my little brother, and I can’t bear to see you like this.”

Aaron shook his head, wiping away the stray tears falling from his eyes. “And that’s my greatest fear.”

The room was silent, and the only sound heard was the slightly uneven breathing from Alexander, who still hadn’t opened his eyes.

Catherine broke the silence, “I think that it’s time we end today’s meeting. Thank you everyone, for coming today. Our next meeting will be next Friday. Once again, thank you, everyone.”

Everyone started to stand up, but Alexander and Aaron still remained sitted as everyone shuffled out of the room. Catherine, herself, walked out the room, leaving the pair alone.

“Alex-”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice was slightly rough as he finally opened his eyes, staring straight into Aaron.

Aaron shook his head, “you already had enough over your head, I didn’t want to make you more stressed.”

Alexander’s hand shook slightly. He whispered, “I’m so sorry.”

Aaron circled his arms around Alexander, rubbing his back as Alex cried silently into his shoulder. “Never think it’s your fault, please.”

“You should have told me.” Alexander repeated as he hid his face on the nape of Aaron’s neck. His breathing tubes pressed uncomfortably against Aaron, but he would never mention that. Instead, he just held Alexander tighter against him, relishing on the fact that he’s alive and breathing, and simply just alive.

“How about we begin to be more open towards each other?” He proposed, running gentle fingers against Alex’s uneven locks. “You tell me about anything, and I’ll listen. I’ll talk to you, and you debate with me? How does that sound?”

Alexander laughed shakily, and nodded, “Yeah, that’s good.”

Finally, the two broke apart only to find Alexander’s tubes covered with snot. They both laughed, and Alexander was back to his normal self as he began grumbling while cleaning the plastic. At last, they both walked out the building to find the sisters there, clearly waiting for them.

Angelica perched up when she noticed them exiting the doors, and the trio quickly made their way over to them. “Hey!”

Alexander and Aaron faltered to a stop, facing the sisters. Eliza finally spoke, “we just wanted to make sure you guys were alright. We know how both of you are feeling, since we are Peggy’s sisters, and well, she went through some hard stuff, too.”

“What we’re trying to say,” Angelica spoke softly, her eyes flitting between Aaron and Alexander, “is that if you guys ever need someone to speak to, vent to, you can come to us. We’re here for both of you.”

Peggy nodded in agreement, and the sisters stared at Alexander and Aaron, who both had wide eyes. Alexander finally said, “wow. Thank you. Really, thank you.”

Aaron added, “it’s nice to know that we’re not the only ones feeling helpless. Thank you, once again.”

The sisters smiled, and after exchanging numbers, went their separate ways.

It was only the two, once again.

Aaron cleared his throat, “Food?”

Alexander grinned, “Food.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do not fear, John will come in the next chapters ;)
> 
> Also, Catherine is based off Catherine "Kitty" Livingston, whom was a dear "friend" of Alexander Hamilton. In this fic, they will not interact outside the therapy, though.
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


	3. Remember the Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From the brightness of the moon, to the softness of silk. To the dance of passion, and the whisper of love. John’s smile made him believe that everything would be okay.

The restaurant was filled with chatter as the pair of boys sat on a table, silence looming over them. They were currently busy eating greasy burgers and salty french fries, going over the eye-opening therapy session they both just experienced.

“So,” Alex broke the tension, “Theodosia?”

Aaron played innocent (though the blush starting at the base of his throat said otherwise), cocking his head to the side, “I beg your pardon?” 

Alexander played along. He put on a confused face, “Why, are you not head over heals for our new friend, a dearest Theo with a wonderful smile?”

“Ah, yes.” Aaron said, looking at his plate. He whispered to himself, “the girl who captured my heart.”

Alex grinned, a small laugh escaping his mouth, “So you do like her!”

Aaron blushed more, and mumbled, “She has a beautiful smile.”

Alexander laughed loudly, and clapped his hands together, “About time!”

It certainly was time for Aaron to get someone, seeing how the man always stood to the side and never acted enough to get lucky with the ladies. According to Aaron, he just had to “wait for it,” and the time would come. Alexander wholeheartedly disagreed on those beliefs, but who was he to interfere on Aaron’s life? The most he could do was merely try to persuade him to treat today like it’s the last. Alexander knew this, which is why he always tried to live like there is no day but today.

Aaron felt thoroughly embarrassed at all the teasing, and he opened his mouth to tell Alexander to stop, but then he noticed. A bright smile and shining spark had appeared in Alexander, something that he had not seen in so long. And that alone made everything worth it.

“So,” Alexander began again, chewing on his french fries, “I’ll take it you’re gonna come to the next meeting.”

“Yeah,” Aaron hid his face behind his drink, looking out the window. Alexander couldn’t stop grinning.

“What if I te-” Alexander was cut off by a loud group of guys entering the restaurant. He recognized Lafayette and Hercules, the two guys who were on the rehab, as well as Theodosia, whom Aaron was currently staring at with wide eyes. He was about to tease the man more, until he noticed someone new walking alongside the group.

Alexander never believed in love at first sight, since he always thought that someone’s words and thoughts were more important than their outside looks. However, as he looked at the man with bright hazel eyes, and a beautiful laugh, he began feeling something in his chest that he had not felt in a long time.

“Bonjour!” Lafayette noticed the two love-struck men, and quickly made his way to them. He kissed them both on the cheeks, “Alex, Aaron. Lovely to see vous.”

Surprisingly, it was Aaron who responded to the french man. Alexander was still busy staring at the gorgeous man, whom was talking animatedly with Hercules. “Lafayette, it’s a pleasure to see you again.”

He smiled, and waved to his friends over. “Do you mind sharing your table, mon ami? I will like to know you both better.”

“Not at all.” Aaron smiled with his passive smile, which quickly turned into a dreamy look as Theodosia sat next to him.

Alexander, who was still busy with his staring, was interrupted as Lafayette waved in front of his eyes. “Mon ami?”

He quickly looked away, hoping that the hotness spreading across his face was merely due to his inability to breath correctly, and not because he was blushing madly.

He gave a smile to Lafayette, and waved to the Theodosia, since she was the only one who noticed him. Hercules and his new crush were still talking about what appeared to be fashion and turtles. “Bonjour, Lafayette.  Ça va?”

Lafayette gasped, and quickly sat next to Alexander. “Tu parles français?”

“Oui,” Alexander smiled, “c’est l’une de mes langues maternelles.”

“I’m impressed, mon ami petit.” Lafayette said, smiling brightly. Alexander smiled in return, and out of the corner of his eye he saw Aaron, who wasn’t doing anything, and was just glancing at Theodosia from time to time. He hit his friend from under the table, whose eyes snapped back at Alexander with irritation.

Alexander motioned his head to Theodosia, and coughed. Aaron took a deep breath, and began talking with the woman of his dreams. “Um, hi.”

Smooth.

Lafayette seemed to have remembered his other two friends, and he quickly said, “Pardon me, these are my other two friends. Hercules Mulligan, as you know, and John Laurens.”

John Laurens.

Alexander watched as John’s eyes snapped from his conversation with Hercules after hearing his name, and suddenly his breath was taken from him as their eyes connected.

John stared at him with his amazing eyes, and Alexander wanted to believe it was because of the unusually dark color of his eyes, or the light dust of freckles, perhaps even his messy hair, and not because of the bags under his eyes, or the breathing tubes around his face.

“I’m John. Nice to meet you.” Dear God, how could this man be even more perfect? His voice was soft, yet slightly rough, almost like he had a cold. And his lips. Dear god, his lips. Rosy, thin, very, very kissable. Alexander imagined just running his fingers through the light brown curls, slowly inching his face forward, and capturing those lips like this man had captured his heart.

“I’m Alexander.” He said back, tugging at the plastic tubes under the table slightly, fiddling as every nerve in his body shook with anxiety.

“Alexander.” John repeated his name, a beautiful smile gracing his face. A smile that reminded Alexander of a thousand different things.

From the brightness of the moon, to the softness of silk. To the dance of passion, and the whisper of love. John’s smile made him believe that everything would be okay.

  
_ (If Alexander thought hard enough, he remembered his mother’s smile as well. And as he looked at John once again, he couldn’t help but feel at home.) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a reference somewhere about a musical that I absolutely love and adore as well. Whomever finds it first gets a shout out in the next chapter. 
> 
> And if anyone is wondering, I made Alexander fall in love with John so fast for a reason. Just you wait ;)
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> (N/E)


	4. Tomorrow There'll Be More of Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Laurens' Interlude.
> 
> (WARNING, this chapter includes thoughts about death. Please refrain from reading this if you feel uncomfortable with this subject. Thank you.)

_I may not live to see our glory._

 

John Laurens always knew that he was going to die young, it was only a matter of when.

Up until he was nine, everything had been perfect. Almost _too_ perfect.

His mother and father were happily married, his siblings all got along, and he was finally allowed to be in the Science club after much begging. Then, it was maybe three months later that their parents held a family meeting, which meant that something important had happened.

"A new baby is on it's way." His mother announced, her eyes bright and shining as she gazed lovingly at her whole family. John's face split into a blinding smile, and he giggled happily as he spun his other siblings with him, making them laugh.

"We're having a new sister!" John said, circling his arms tightly around his parents and siblings, not letting go.

"Or brother." His father said, picking up his younger sister, Martha, and hugging John's mom with his other arm. "It could also be a boy."

He couldn't stop smiling for the whole day, and already, by the afternoon, he had already came up with ten different names for his future brother or sister. 

"If it's a girl, can she be Luna, like Luna Lovegood?" He said, awe clouding his features as his mom guided his small hands on the small bump in her tummy. His mother laughed, squeezing his hands with her own.

"We'll see," she said, eyes tinkling as she looked at the pure emotion in her son's face. He clearly already loved his sibling. "And what names do you have for a boy?"

"Can he be Sherlock?"

The day passed as the Laurens family talked and talked about the new baby, the smiles on their faces never wavering.

And for John, John could not stop thinking about his new sibling.

He took out his art sketchbook, which mainly contained messy drawings of the family, as well as some constant sketches of turtles or flowers. In a new white page, he began drawing. The pencil in his hand flew all over the place, creating soft edges and sharp curves, innocent smiles and loving eyes. He stood drawing for a solid hour, coloring with his watercolors, bringing hues and tones to his untidy, but rather nice, piece of art. It wasn't until his mom announced "Dinner!" that he finally unglued his eyes from the page. He glanced back, and grinned as he gazed upon his self-crafted image of his future family. 

Henry and Eleanor, his parents, were both used to this, since he was exactly the same way when Martha and Henry Jr. were just a tiny human inside his mom. It warmed their hearts to see their eldest son be so delighted, especially since many children often grow jealous of their siblings.

But not John. 

Eleanor saw it on his beautiful honey eyes, the selflessness of a child who loves with all the strength of his heart, never holding anything back.

All she could think was of how lucky one certain person will be for being loved by her son.

Currently, three months later, John and his mom were lying on a couch, watching a movie as they giggled about the characters and their jokes. His mom opened her mouth to say something, but suddenly, she felt something push against her stomach intently. She smiled, breathing slowly. Eleanor whispered to John, "Baby, give me your hand."

John, albeit slightly confused, showed his mother his palm. She placed it on her swollen stomach, and she laughed in glee once John gasped. "Mom!"

"I know, baby. They already like you."

And then, his father sat next to his mother on the sofa, cradling little Henry. Martha, his sister, was currently napping next to John, where they laid on top of blankets next to their parents.

Everything was perfect.

 

_But I will gladly join the fight._

 

Days later, John's mom would wake up in a pool of her own blood, a scream uncurling from within her throat.

That was the first time John learned about death.

There was no funeral for the little baby. There was only sadness around the house, and for many weeks, his mother could not look at her children in the eyes.

~~It was going to be a girl.~~

He wished he could say that everything got better, but truth was, everything just got worse. 

John turned ten, and sooner than expected, his parents announced once again that there was another sibling on the way.

This time, John tried to distance himself from his mother, afraid that history would just repeat itself. He thought that it was better not to get attached too much, to try to evade the painful misery that could come again.

That is the biggest regret of his life.

His mother went into labor sooner than expected, and now all he could do was sit on a plastic hospital chair, chewing nervously on his nails. Martha was next to him, falling asleep on his shoulder, and little Henry was playing with his toys on the floor.

Their father came to get them, a tired smile on his face. "It's a girl."

The Laurens family entered the hospital room, and noticed a pink bundle on his mother's arms. His own mother was extremely pale, her eyes heavy.

And yet, she still smiled at her children. "Her name is Mary."

"Mary Eleanor," his father chimed in, gently rubbing his fingers on his newborn daughter. John approached the bed slowly, and gasped once he saw his baby sister.

"She's beautiful," John said, watching as she opened her tiny eyes slowly. To his surprised, her eyes matched every bit of color as his. He smiled.

His mother's lips turned upward sleepily, "Beautiful." She went to sleep, a smile still on her face.

 

_And when our children tell our story,_

 

But John could not understand why the machine next to her bed began a loud constant beep.

Next thing he knew, he felt someone's hands roughly press on his chest as he was carried away. But they soon dropped him, and the person (whom he noticed was a nurse) ran next to the others. He watched with wide eyes as the doctor placed metal squares on his mom's chest, and shouted something. He couldn't breathe, his heart stammered against his chest, his head thundered with his own blood, and still, he did not move his eyes away as his mother's form rose from the bed, only to drop drastically. They tried it again and again, and John watched through a hazy mind as his father fell to his knees by his mother's side, holding his baby sister close to his chest. Next to him, Martha and Henry were crying from all the chaos, and all he could do was place his hands around them, covering them from the pain.

But no one covered John, and so he watched as the doctors shared grim looks. He watched as they placed a white blanket over his mom. He watched as his father crumbled in front of him. He watched as they unplugged the machine, and everything fell into silence.

His mother never woke up.

~~She died. And a part of him died with her.~~

Since then, John always felt death revolving around him, teasing him in his sleep. He felt death as he saw the flowers on autumn slowly die. He felt death as he saw the numb eyes of his father as he screamed at him, hitting him out of anger. He felt death when he looked into the mirror, and noticed how his eyes seemed to have lost all color.

He felt death as the years passed. He felt death as he found it harder and harder to look away from the sharp edges of the world. He felt death as he thought about _death_ every single day.

And now, at this moment, as he looks at the beautiful boy with the broken smile, he just knows that the time is near.

Because there is absolutely no way that he will survive _his_ death.

 

_They'll tell the story of tonight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was hard to write, but I wanted to show an insight to John, since there is so much more to his character in this story.
> 
> Who is John referring to when he said "beautiful boy with the broken smile"? Please share your thoughts!
> 
> Also, shout out to _Giia Camargo_ for catching my RENT reference on the last chapter. I am absolutely in love with that musical as well, and I strongly recommend everyone to see it. (Bonus: Renée Elise Goldsberry plays Mimi in this version! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo8CmwIKiDw)
> 
> Comments and Kudos are deeply appreciated. Thanks for reading!


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